Be Still

Hello Blog,

It's been a while.

I've discovered something about myself over the past six months. I don't know how to be still. My life is so busy that I hardly take time to reflect on life or the gospel. Being busy the last couple of months has proven to be a blessing and has helped me not completely agonize over how different life is now.

Sure, I'm still working on my PhD and reading every book I can get my hands on in my down time, but things are not the same. We lost Dad three months ago and it's been hard. Like hard hard. I never knew that the tiniest things would have the power to make me break down and cry. Biscuits and gravy are still good even with the side of tears, right? I miss Dad terribly and I wish he could have spent twenty more years with us.

Even though he's not with us physically, I know he's watching over us and participating in the small moments of victory in our lives. But it's different. After three months, I still find myself going to call him to tell him all of my exciting news and to tell him about some new recipe I tried that I think he'd like. I miss him calling me early in the morning just to see if he could wake me up and to check in and see how I was doing. He woke me up several times but dang if I was going to let him know that. Well, I'm sure he knew. I'm not exactly the sharpest when I first wake up.

As much as I miss him, the grief is getting easier to deal with. I still have bad days but they are fewer and farther between. I'm never going to ever stop missing him. And I like to think that him and Great Alice are getting into all sorts of shenanigans being together again on the other side. Hopefully, Grandpa Ed is keeping them in line.

Grief is so much easier to deal with when you're busy. I've never been one to sit still, but I've become even less so recently. Don't get me wrong. I love my life that is 70 hour work weeks full of science, church, reading, and book blogging. It may sound hectic and some weeks it is, but it's my life and I love it. But as much as I love it, something was missing and I didn't even realize it.

I was so busy trying to stay busy so I could deal with my grief and not slack in my responsibilities at work that some of the small things I found joy in were dropped to accommodate my busyness. I didn't know I was missing them until the Lord forced me to finally be still.

Many people don't know that I've developed a severe allergy to all things pineapple. I think it's been a rougher adjustment than being diagnosed with diabetes. They put pineapple juice in everything! I've had to become one of those people that read the labels on every juice bottle in the grocery store. It's sad but you have to adapt to your circumstances. But with everything there are just some scenarios that you can't avoid. Last week, I had the misfortune of getting a slice of pizza that had been contaminated with pineapple juice. Thank heavens for epi pens and antihistamines and good medical facilities.

I'm fine but thanks to a slice of free pizza, I was forced to be still. I had to be under observation for several hours which gave me the opportunity to reflect on the last few months. I realized that it's been a month and a half since I've read my scriptures for something other than preparing for lessons. I've put aside going to the gym and eating healthy in order to eat my feelings. I hadn't bought a new cd in over eight months. That's not normal for me. Aside for going out for dinner, I don't do anything spontaneous and touristy in my new city. I still haven't been to the art museum or the planetarium.

So this post is a reminder to myself. A reminder to cut back the amount of hours I'm working, to have more spontaneous dance parties in my living room, to belt out my favorite songs even with headphones on, and to take more time to take care of myself. Pushing back graduation by six month will not kill me, and will probably be better for everyone involved. I promise that I'm going to read my scriptures every day and try to keep up with my temple attendance. I'm going to go back to the gym so I can be healthier. I'm going to be more involved with my ward and make more friends outside of work. I'm going to start watching more movies and marathon a couple TV shows on Netflix. I'm going to spend time outside even if it's just sitting on my balcony. I'm going to stop feeling guilty when I do something not work related. I'm going to be better at keeping in touch with family and friends because we never know how long they'll be there. Overall, I promise to let myself be happy.

I'm going to need multiple reminders. Some of these things I can't fix overnight and I'm sure I'm still missing some things. I'm going to try though. I'm going to learn to be more still. I'm going to be less workaholic and more me. It's several small things but they suddenly feel like the big things. Wish me luck.